Writing is one of my main therapies… if I don’t write stuff down I worry that my heart will pound so fast it will whirl out of my chest. I just keep praying to God that the love of my life won’t forget me. As I have mentioned before I need to give him space so I am just trying to stay as busy as possible. With Ramadan going on that is kinda hard
The reason I am afraid is because I worry he will forget about me. I don’t deserve him and I worry he won’t ever come back. I cannot forget about him nor do I want to. I know it is importance to focus on self growth… spiritually, mentally, and physically but it so hard because my mind and my heart wander back so quickly. Self growth is hard when you want feedback and don’t have the person you want to ask for advice about things. I will be travelling soon for a meeting and I don’t have that someone right now to call up and ask what I should wear or what I should bring. I don’t have the person in my life that I want to share my motivation with or to share my successes. I don’t have someone to share the funny things that happened… or the photos. People say you can find a new better version of this person, but I don’t want one because I do not believe one exists.
Since I cannot talk to him all I can do is continue to write out my feelings
because if they stay in my head they just come out of my eyes.
I wonder does he think about me as much as I think about him. I haven’t been sleeping anymore. I don’t really remember where I am sometimes. I wake up in panic and through all my bad dreams I have to suffer through them alone. At first I thought my emotion I was feeling most heavily was sadness but that is secondary to the fear I am fearing. Every time I try to calm my heart down it goes back up. Every time I try to breath throughout the night I can’t get back to sleep. This is especially hard because when you are nervous about sleeping it makes it cyclical. I realized sadness is a reaction to the fear of the unknown and I cry because of my regret, guilt, and also because I am afraid of what the future holds. Usually I like to have a lot of control of situations so it is hard to let go even some of this control.
I want to give him the space but every time the world stops spinning even for a second I start breathing heavily and feel weak in my head. I have never experienced fear like this but I pray and hope for courage in this dark time. I do have friends who are supporting me… but it is tough when they are so far away. It is also tough because no matter how old we are in times like this we revert back to wanting our mothers. My mom is really far away and I don’t know when I will see her again. This is why I am glad I am able to travel a little bit. My final fear is that I will cry a lot in public while traveling. Nothing like someone saying are you okay to have the whole process of healing start all over again.